Look Like a Fool

I cried like a fool tonight at our RCIA class (the classes we have to take to join the Catholic Church).  It was embarrassing, I needed a tissue and didn't have one, and wiped my nose with my Disney Cars Band-Aided hand.  I would say I have pent up emotion.. but sadly, it's not pent up.  I now cry all the time.  I am beginning to come to terms with it, however, because I believe it is a sign that my heart is softening.  The Lord must want a huge piece of mush by the time he's completed me!

Tonight was a retreat night.  We didn't leave the room, so there was no "going" anywhere.  But it was a time for the large group to be divided into two smaller ones.  I found myself in the group with the leader who wanted to hear everyone's story of how they came to be seated in the chairs.  What led them to seeking full communion with the Catholic Church.  In fairness, most people were tearing up.  There were some amazing stories of the still small voice of the Lord, ever faithful, ever calling his children to him.  And I was encouraged that there are so many routes to the those doors.  Some are through well churched avenues like I have taken, and some are no church at all.  They just knew that they had to come.  Really, He is quite creative in sounding the horn.  It is so much sweeter and alluring than any regular "dinner's ready" cow bell.

As I was reflecting on my 2 minutes of cry fest once home, at first I felt ashamed, and embarrassed that I couldn't control myself enough to get out an eloquent summary of why I came.  Really, there are great things in my story that demonstrate the Lord's love, his goodness, and his wisdom.  There are great books that I could share, great Biblical truth's that I have discovered that would have been helpful to others, I'm sure.  In other words, so many ways that I could have puffed up my pride in giving my reasons for why I now desire this.  Prideful, because a great speech of head knowledge would not have exposed the heart. They would not have heard that Jesus is worth following no matter the divisions, the heart ache, or the pain.  I hope my snotting could have at least shared that.  Christ is all. And following him, is worth, everything. 

I remembered, after it was over, my reading for the day, and my constant prayer in the last few weeks.  This morning I read Paul; his letter to the Corinthians.  How often do we forget that while a great scholar of the law, brilliant, by many accounts, Paul was still not without weakness.  He sought not to wow people with beautiful speech or theatrical abilities.  He only wanted to preach Christ, and Christ alone, no matter how rough the message may have been delivered. 

"And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God.  For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling.  My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power." (I Corinthians 2:1-5)
 
I am grateful that I read that this morning.  I am learning to be grateful that maybe somehow, through the tears and the somewhat flubbering, that someone could have heard how much Jesus has changed my life.  I am thankful that He allowed me to look foolish, so that He could become greater.  It is a constant challenge, to let humility reign, and pride dissolve.  It is a wonderful thing when what at first seemed like humiliation, was actually an answer to prayer.  For if I pray for humility, why should I be shocked when God decides to answer? 

Oh that I may always only desire the wisdom of Christ unattached to any selfish boasting.  He works in my life this way, and in another's, that way.  He calls us all to himself, sometimes with a clanging gong, and sometimes through a veil of tears.  And yet, the most significant blessing of it all, is that though there may be tears on many days, there is also an unspeakable Joy.  It is not contradictory, but rather complimentary.  The same tears that soften my heart are at the same time ushering in a Joy so complete and concrete that  no tear can break.  Joy comes with the Morning, and the Evening.  It comes with Him, so he can be honored in all things, even the ugly cries.  But next time I am going to bring tissues, just in case he decides to humble me again. 

When Conversion Isn't Fun

Some days are not all flowers and roses.  Some days, you want to push everyone you have met along your conversion path aside, and just cling to Jesus.  I find myself weary, heavy hearted, and if not for the peace of who Jesus has become throughout this conversion, I am sure we would be hanging things up and looking back at this time with a good belly laugh of, "Remember when we almost became Catholic?!"  Yes, some days are bad. 

It's not that we have met a theological issue that we cannot find truth in, or a teaching of the Magisterium (Pope) that we just couldn't reconcile in Jesus.  The depressing matter of the fact, is that we are still loving who the Church should be, and what her mission on earth looks like.  It's just that for the last 50 years or so, some people of the Church have traded the mission of evangelization in exchange for tradition, rules, and procedures.   The numbers are on my side, it has been proven, and the number of people within the Catholic Church who have been Evangelized into the Love of Jesus versus simply catechized into the traditions of the Church, are lacking.

With that said, however, I am convinced through my study, my searching, and my underlying PEACE, that this in no way means that the Church itself is not, actually, the Church.  It just means that something is missing in the method in which the faith is being passed along and taught to an entire generation of people.   Note: I have paused, at this very thought, many times.  I have asked when it becomes no longer a wrong method of application, but rather a wrong set of truths in the first place.  I am still searching that out.  Yet three things remain true. 

The Church has many incredibly faithful members who know and love and serve Jesus Christ
Jesus is present in the Eucharist, and that changes Everything.
Israel screwed up a lot.  And they were still his people.

Catechesis is, and has been, horrible.  People who are not equipped to teach the faith have taught it.  Catholics are taught an incredibly contemplative, disciplined, private spirituality that while true and necessary for a basis of evangelization, is misunderstood by Protestants.  It seems that many times this spirituality is held in higher regard than a deep personal knowledge of the Scriptures, which can then be detrimental in the ability to give a Biblical defense for the faith in a meaningful and intelligent way.  Church nursery's are poorly, if at all, staffed, leaving young parents without focus and without aid every Sunday morning for their own personal growth.  RCIA programs (the class to become a member) vary widely from parish to parish.. some focusing on a relationship with the Lord and a Biblically led teaching, while others simply list the small "t" traditions and rules; leading one to miss the heart of it all, Jesus; and to leave still unaware how their Bible drips with evidence for the Church.   Classes can be vastly overshadowed with a call for community among fellow classmates rather than a calling to Divine reverence for Jesus in the Mass and personal spiritual growth.  

This is where the daily readings for today come into focus.  It was on Gideon.  He's been called to mind a lot, lately.  Maybe I should listen. 

Judges 6
The LORD turned to him and said, “Go with the strength you have
and save Israel from the power of Midian.
It is I who send you.”
But Gideon answered him, “Please, my lord, how can I save Israel?
My family is the lowliest in Manasseh,
and I am the most insignificant in my father’s house.”
“I shall be with you,” the LORD said to him,
“and you will cut down Midian to the last man.”


Here is my thought for Evangelicals.  Does the Catholic Church need renewal?  Yes.  But so too does the Evangelical and Protestant church if separated from the original in which He founded.  What if we blended that evangelical devotion and love for Evangelization with a historical faith that was absolutely true and beautiful, reverent, apostolic, and holy.  What if we used the talents that God has shown us in our churches and brought them back into the original Church and actually became United, like Jesus prayed for in John 17.  What if we were ONE,  not just in a mystical sense but also tangibly; that the world could see for themselves.  What if Christians came together and really decided to believe that the Lord was truly present in the Eucharist.  That he was truly infusing our own bodies with his own.  Not just in a "spirit" sense but in a physical sense.  How would that grace transform not just a broken Church but a broken world?

Yes, it sounds like heroic dreams born on the couch of a mom writing in her pj's that will never come to fruition.  The first half of that statement might be true.  But do we believe Matthew 19 or do we not?  He said it was impossible with man.  But it was possible with Him.  Gideon didn't think it was possible.  Moses didn't think they would listen to him.  Abraham and Sarah had no idea how God would make them into a great nation; they were barren, after all.  Noah was told to build a huge ark, when it hadn't rained in forever.  Mary was pregnant while still a virgin.  The God of the Universe became man and came to earth in the form of a baby.  He was killed, and conquered death.  He rose again, and reigns on High.  Impossibility is not a hurdle, for God.

So today was a low point.  But the Church is still good.  Because Jesus created it.  Humans can do nasty things to the greatness that he made.  But they can't destroy it.  Matthew 16:18 told us that.  So I will chose to power forward with the peace and grace he gives me for each day.  And I will continue to believe that he has called me into the Church because it is in his will.  And if his Will is to come on earth, like it is in Heaven, then who am I to argue with that?


Book suggestion: Forming Intentional Disciples: The path to knowing and following Jesus
http://www.amazon.com/Forming-Intentional-Disciples-Knowing-Following/dp/1612785905/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377052173&sr=8-1&keywords=forming+intentional+disciples