The Heart

February 12, 2017

The heart.

I was worried about my confession yesterday.  I didn't think I did it right. Can you not do confession right?  Is there a best way to admit you are a failure at certain things?  Catholics like lists.  They like to know how many, and how often.  And yes, there's even an app for that.  However I've always treaded carefully in these app listing confessional waters.  For me, the act of clicking a box on a screen depersonalizes the personal tragedy that sin creates in my relationship with the Lord.  And so I tend to avoid the list; always wondering if the priest feels sorry for this awkward, very green, new confessing Catholic.

So as I searched my heart and tried to avoid the sterile list checking, I asked the Lord to reveal the underlying reason behind so many of my struggles.  If the symptom is anger, what is the cause? If pride is (and it is) a weakness, why do I feel the need to enhance myself to such a sinful degree? 

After some prayer and a well placed random card at Psalm 121 in my Bible, I understood my struggle as of late.  Underlying much of my problems, beyond the usual culprits, is a mistrust of God himself.  I don't always trust that he has a plan for me, I only see his plans for others.  I don't trust that he cares deeply for my most deeply felt dreams... I assume they are frivolous to the Lord; not spiritual enough to be considered worthy of Him.  I don't trust that this testimony of my life that is unfolding will be used by Him because it's not completely perfected yet. And I am terrified that I will be ultimately more judged than loved.

And then I realized.  I'm just like Adam and Eve.  The first sin wasn't the act of eating a forbidden fruit.  It was not trusting that God was Good.  In their disobedience, (my disobedience)  we begin to question whether our Creator is actually a Loving Father or rather an overbearing rule monger who wants to hold us back from our full potential.  I fight to keep my plans rather placing them in his hands, for his purpose.  And I worry that all of my desires and dreams would cease in giving myself completely to his Will.  All of this worry, because ultimately, I doubt that he is Good.

And Satan said,  

"did God really say...." 

 "God knows well that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like gods, who know good and evil."
"You will certainly not die!"

(Ever heard that voice in your head before?)

But God is Goodness itself.  He is the Good in everything, through everything, and for everything.  He is the one who sought out Adam and Eve in the Garden, and seeks out the sinner still today.  He is the one whose dreams for me and plans for me are bigger and greater than anything I could desire of my own making; if only I would trust him.   He is the one who desires that I should actually share in his Divine Nature (2 Peter 1:4), and whose plans for me are for the sole purpose (no matter what they end up looking like) of giving me a hope and future, not to harm me, but for my good (Jeremiah 29:11).  I forget that a lot. Or maybe I've heard it so much I've allowed it to lose its shocking truth.  

And so that well placed card in my Bible has become my endless Motto these last few weeks.  This is how to silence those thoughts and remember him as my Good Father so that I could surrender my will to His own:
Psalm 121 (parenthesis mine)

I life my eyes to the mountains..
Where does my help come from? (many days I feel alone)
My help comes from the Lord  (I am restless until I rest in thee)
The Maker of heaven and earth. (and the maker of my life and my heart)

He will not let your foot slip (he knows my weaknesses and he is working to protect me from them)
he who watches over you will not slumber (he never tires of loving me and knowing me)
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep. (in my most vulnerable moments of sleep, he is still on guard)

The Lord watches over you (because he is my Abba Father)
The Lord is your shade at your right hand (he never removes his grip. I pull away but he is still there)
The Sun will not harm you by day,
Nor the moon by night. (He is protecting me at all times)

The Lord will keep you from all harm (even harm of my doubts)
He will watch over your life. (every single aspect. big, small, insignificant or monumental)
The Lord will watch over your coming and going (my past and my future are in his hands)
both now and forevermore. (Trust him with my life, my dreams, my fears, my doubts)

So the confession was successful.  The forgiveness is the purpose; growing in knowledge of myself and Lord is the bonus.  And I remember this: the heart matters in all things.  He wants my heart beyond all numbering and counting and reciting the rules.  My heart which is in need of constant surrender to my Saviors perfect Will for my life.  Because only in trusting and following his plans, will my life ever have meaning or significance.

I lift my eyes to the mountains.  Where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord.  The Maker of heaven and Earth. 
And the forgiver of my soul.  The keeper of my dreams.  The whisperer of Truth, and the Lover of my soul.  He has numbered the hairs on my head.  And he surely knows the path for my life. 
And gosh, he is Good.  He is so, so, Good to me.