Three thoughts for Three Years

April 19th, 2014

One of my heros, whom I've never met but am convinced we could be friends, Lovelace Howard, Catholic convert, wife of author Thomas Howard (one of my favorites), once said that the third year of her Catholic identity was the year in which she finally began to feel more at ease in this new home of the Church. The first few years seem to be filled with such newness and at times, uncomfortable upheaval that it is hard for a new Catholic to rest in the change around them.

Those words from Lovelace struck a deep cord and have encouraged me often as I looked forward to this, the third anniversary of our full communion with the Catholic Church. And now as it is here, these three thoughts have continued to surface and bring comfort both for the years that have been, and those that will follow.

1. The Lord has led me here

It's been three years since I heard the words,

"The Lord receives you into the Catholic Church.
His loving kindness has led you here,
so that in the unity of the Holy Spirit
you may have full communion with us
in the faith that you have professed
in the presence of his family."

In the years before Catholicism, there began a gradual yearning for more than my current Christianity was able to give.  Although I had and read (and loved) the Bible, although I sought to be a prayerful Christian and desired (and did) grow in my faith, I was not satisfied.  I hungered for something deeper.  In one short car ride, I remember begging God to show me more of himself or I didn't think I could continue on with Christianity. I was yearning for depth, I was desperate to know and taste God's personal love for me; desperate for genuine Christianity lived out among a fallen world, and frustrated that anywhere I turned, a rich, beautiful, deep theology that answered any of my questions was severely lacking.

And then he answered with the shocking answer; The Catholic Church.  I hear those words of confirmation almost every day in my heart as my answer to that prayer long ago.   The Lord has led me here, and because of his loving kindness, I am Catholic.  And although the euphoria has long worn off, and the voice of the Lord is often obscured by the busyness of life or by the darkness of my own stubbornness; day by day I wake up more Catholic than I was merely hours before. The depth that the Church offers the Christian for prayer, Scripture, and God himself are inexhaustible, and to be honest; sometimes overwhelming.  Yet I have found in the moments when I offer my yes, he reveals something more of himself, and myself, that I did not know before.  As a result, growth happens, and faith increases.
Pope Benedict, in Jesus of Nazareth states beautifully,

"Initial enthusiasm is easy: Afterward, though, it is time to stand firm, even along the monotonous desert paths that we are called upon to traverse in this life- with the patience it takes to tread evenly; a patience in which the romanticism of the initial awakening subsides, so that only the deep, pure Yes of faith remains.  This is the way to produce good wine." 

2. The Eucharist is Jesus

Bread and wine become the body, blood, soul and divinity of Jesus Christ.  Three years ago I became convinced by authors and words on a page; and today, even as my heart struggles to keep pace with the mind's knowledge,  I am perhaps more convinced than ever of the fact of its truth.  Jesus longs and is waiting to give himself to every believer in this most sacred of ways.  For love of us, the formless God became incarnate, took on a physical nature; and won our redemption by his death. In the Eucharist he again hides himself under the physical elements of bread and wine, lavishing his Grace upon us; so that through and by this gift, he might perfect the good work he began in us, until the day he comes again (Phil. 1:6). 

The Eucharist is the divine gift that our bridegroom, Jesus, stands and offers us, his bride, the church.  Although with our eyes we see bread and on our lips we taste wine, we remember Jesus's words in John 6:63 "It is the spirit that gives life, the flesh is of no avail." And so with humility we can join our prayer with that of the disciples as we beg, Lord, increase our Faith,  for where else can we go, You have the words of eternal life.



3. Christian Unity

Perhaps the most prevailing thought that has cemented itself in our hearts these three years is the necessity and desire for Christian Unity. More so now as we approach the eve of the 500th year of the Protestant Reformation.  In living the two worlds of both Evangelical Protestantism and Catholicism, although far removed from the violence and hatred of centuries past, there still remains a  deep theological divide among the separated brethren of Christian people. And in our subjective world, discussions of true doctrine, theology, and worship tend to be excluded from daily Christian living, pushed aside for personal preference rather than objective truth.

In studying Jesus's high priestly prayer, hours before he would die on a cross for the sins of all people, his yearning and last desires were for unity among those who claimed him as Savior.  "Father, may they be one, as you and I are one" (John 17).  And so it is with a mournful and penitential spirit that we approach this most solemn of anniversaries; asking repentance for the damage done, and grace to build a bridge of restoration and healing.

But in the brokenness there is God, and more than ever before, he has convicted us and brought us to deep thanksgiving for the lessons of our childhoods and the people that formed our lives of Faith in Jesus Christ. Mindful always that there is much more that unites us rather than divides, as the Lord's Grace cannot be exhausted. For he constantly pours out his Goodness among all Christians, and in response, we too should extend abundant Grace to those who both share in our specific professions, and espiecially those that do not.

We pray for a spirit of love among believers, whether Catholic or Protestant; we pray for deeper discussions among brothers and sisters of Christ as to the fullness of the Christian life, and we pray that somehow in the way that only he can, the Lord would lead all those he calls children to be One, even as he and the Father are one; knowing with confidence that lives lived surrendered to Jesus will always result in greater love for neighbor as well.

In Conclusion

The readings for today providentially proclaimed the Road to Emmaus; that journey of the heavy hearted disciples who, while walking and talking with the risen Jesus concerning the events just witnessed in Jerusalem, only came to recognise him "in the breaking of the bread" (Luke 24:35).

From that plea in the car, to the fulfillment of Easter Vigil night, that is my journey of the last three years.  I have seen him more than ever, in the breaking of the bread.

I pray that my testimony invites others to do the same. Much like that of someone who dips a first toe into the pool, thereby alerting others to the safety of a comfortable swim.. so do I offer my experience within the Catholic Church.

My initial dip gave me confidence for the whole plunge, and my heart longs for others to come and see that the water is pure and the swimming is good.  So, on this third anniversary I say come, taste, and see, that the Lord is alive and well in the doors of the Church, and he is ever longing to break bread at the table with you.

The Heart

February 12, 2017

The heart.

I was worried about my confession yesterday.  I didn't think I did it right. Can you not do confession right?  Is there a best way to admit you are a failure at certain things?  Catholics like lists.  They like to know how many, and how often.  And yes, there's even an app for that.  However I've always treaded carefully in these app listing confessional waters.  For me, the act of clicking a box on a screen depersonalizes the personal tragedy that sin creates in my relationship with the Lord.  And so I tend to avoid the list; always wondering if the priest feels sorry for this awkward, very green, new confessing Catholic.

So as I searched my heart and tried to avoid the sterile list checking, I asked the Lord to reveal the underlying reason behind so many of my struggles.  If the symptom is anger, what is the cause? If pride is (and it is) a weakness, why do I feel the need to enhance myself to such a sinful degree? 

After some prayer and a well placed random card at Psalm 121 in my Bible, I understood my struggle as of late.  Underlying much of my problems, beyond the usual culprits, is a mistrust of God himself.  I don't always trust that he has a plan for me, I only see his plans for others.  I don't trust that he cares deeply for my most deeply felt dreams... I assume they are frivolous to the Lord; not spiritual enough to be considered worthy of Him.  I don't trust that this testimony of my life that is unfolding will be used by Him because it's not completely perfected yet. And I am terrified that I will be ultimately more judged than loved.

And then I realized.  I'm just like Adam and Eve.  The first sin wasn't the act of eating a forbidden fruit.  It was not trusting that God was Good.  In their disobedience, (my disobedience)  we begin to question whether our Creator is actually a Loving Father or rather an overbearing rule monger who wants to hold us back from our full potential.  I fight to keep my plans rather placing them in his hands, for his purpose.  And I worry that all of my desires and dreams would cease in giving myself completely to his Will.  All of this worry, because ultimately, I doubt that he is Good.

And Satan said,  

"did God really say...." 

 "God knows well that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like gods, who know good and evil."
"You will certainly not die!"

(Ever heard that voice in your head before?)

But God is Goodness itself.  He is the Good in everything, through everything, and for everything.  He is the one who sought out Adam and Eve in the Garden, and seeks out the sinner still today.  He is the one whose dreams for me and plans for me are bigger and greater than anything I could desire of my own making; if only I would trust him.   He is the one who desires that I should actually share in his Divine Nature (2 Peter 1:4), and whose plans for me are for the sole purpose (no matter what they end up looking like) of giving me a hope and future, not to harm me, but for my good (Jeremiah 29:11).  I forget that a lot. Or maybe I've heard it so much I've allowed it to lose its shocking truth.  

And so that well placed card in my Bible has become my endless Motto these last few weeks.  This is how to silence those thoughts and remember him as my Good Father so that I could surrender my will to His own:
Psalm 121 (parenthesis mine)

I life my eyes to the mountains..
Where does my help come from? (many days I feel alone)
My help comes from the Lord  (I am restless until I rest in thee)
The Maker of heaven and earth. (and the maker of my life and my heart)

He will not let your foot slip (he knows my weaknesses and he is working to protect me from them)
he who watches over you will not slumber (he never tires of loving me and knowing me)
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep. (in my most vulnerable moments of sleep, he is still on guard)

The Lord watches over you (because he is my Abba Father)
The Lord is your shade at your right hand (he never removes his grip. I pull away but he is still there)
The Sun will not harm you by day,
Nor the moon by night. (He is protecting me at all times)

The Lord will keep you from all harm (even harm of my doubts)
He will watch over your life. (every single aspect. big, small, insignificant or monumental)
The Lord will watch over your coming and going (my past and my future are in his hands)
both now and forevermore. (Trust him with my life, my dreams, my fears, my doubts)

So the confession was successful.  The forgiveness is the purpose; growing in knowledge of myself and Lord is the bonus.  And I remember this: the heart matters in all things.  He wants my heart beyond all numbering and counting and reciting the rules.  My heart which is in need of constant surrender to my Saviors perfect Will for my life.  Because only in trusting and following his plans, will my life ever have meaning or significance.

I lift my eyes to the mountains.  Where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord.  The Maker of heaven and Earth. 
And the forgiver of my soul.  The keeper of my dreams.  The whisperer of Truth, and the Lover of my soul.  He has numbered the hairs on my head.  And he surely knows the path for my life. 
And gosh, he is Good.  He is so, so, Good to me. 

Kyrie Eleison

I am not a concert girl, but music is huge in my life.  Especially worship music.  As a teen and young adult, I attended churches with state of the art sound systems;  praising Jesus through the current chart topping hits seamlessly blended together with a traditional hymn here or there.

The atmosphere was concert like.  It was dark, the screens were lit, and hands all around me were lifted high in praise.  On the one hand, I loved being surrounded by people who obviously loved the gift of great worship, on the other, this introvert struggled to really feel at ease in the bigness and outward expression of it all. Yet those songs formed me then, and continue to do so today. 

Every now and then a song comes along that breaks through the routine and finds its way deep into my soul.  On those times, I long not for a concert with thousands of others, but solitude and privacy; my kitchen pantry usually the preferred location. 

Such was my experience when I came across a new song compiled by many of my favorite worship singer/ songwriters; Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, and Matt Maher.  An ecumenical powerhouse of voices that proved in a simple song that the Church United is not just a dream, but can one day become reality.  This song, "Kyrie Eleison", (Lord, Have Mercy), brought me to my knees; in my pantry.  For three minutes the frustrations of our current wading in the Tiber and this hybrid state of Evangelical Catholicism fell away, and there was once again, simple Christians united for the sake of Worship. 

The song was modern, but the lyrics were ancient. The voices belonged to chart topping Christian artists, one Catholic, the others non denominational. And it was there in the blending of it all, that I broke down.

This wave of emotions has been swirling around in my head for years. With our backgrounds in non denominational churches, we have the privilege of understanding both sides of the Christian music world.  We see the beauty in Evangelical, lift your hands high worship, and the solid foundations of a great theologically sung hymn found in any Catholic parish.  However, our kids don't have this luxury.  And it weighs heavy on my heart that in only experiencing the hymnal driven worship, they may miss the passion and spirit that is readily available and on display at a less traditional church.

Now as a Mom, and a Catholic, I am constantly questioning whether it is more beneficial to surround oneself with theologically sound lyrics, or that of a simple repetitive melody that proclaims the love and goodness of God.  In the first case, (the traditional hymn), the lyrics could pass a doctrinal test, but are usually too complicated for a child (and many adults) to grasp during the song, let alone remember after the hymnal has been put away.  Yet they have withstood centuries of time, so they cannot, nor should not be easily dismissed and forgotten.

In the simple melody (or modern song of the moment), while the song might not necessarily be filled with complicated doctrines, they are often relatable, memorable, and find their way into daily thoughts throughout the week; reminding one at the most unexpected times, through a simple melody, that God is love.  And I believe because of these benefits, songs like this should be included in a greater number into the Mass. 

Considering all of this, Sundays can be tense with the longing to take a break from the hymnal and field trip my way to the best musically gifted church in the area.  However, it is halted by the conviction that in becoming Catholic, I have accepted that my desires should not dictate my church attendance. I'm not in charge.  Jesus is.  And I believe he desires me to come under the authority and guidance of his Bride, the Catholic Church.

The gift of song is from Him, to be used by us to lift our lives up to him.  And True worship, within the Church is found in no other complete form that that of kneeling before the Eucharistic Lord. No song (even if it makes me feel more alive) can bring me as close to Jesus as his very body within my own.

As we move forward, always learning how to live as Evangelical Catholics, and as effective parents, we try to appreciate the Sacred while the beauty of the new pours from the home speakers.

In Kyrie Eleison, I hear hope. I look forward to the day when all will sing in Heaven together and united. Until then, I'll be in my pantry.  In my dark, dimly lit, private concert arena, showing my kids that passion is alive and well right here in our own home. Quietly thanking Jesus for music, the artists, and all of the churches that praise him every single Sunday.

Kyrie Eleison. 

Lord, Have Mercy. 

Christ have Mercy. 

Lord, Have mercy on me, a desperate sinner in need of you and you alone.