Today is one year to the day of when I stopped publically writing my thoughts. For a girl who likes to be open and share much, 365 days is a long time not to.
Of course I still talk with friends and have wonderful intimate friendships. But there are times when I have longed to go to the keyboard, and either nothing came out or too much came out that I wasn't ready to share. Even deeper, I have wrestled with the fact of whether or not the Lord will obviously fling wide the gates to write again in the open, or if he is desiring a quieter me than I had hoped. I was, and still am, very much waiting for Him; for his "Go." But something within me felt like I couldn't let the one year mark pass without at least acknowledging and updating briefly what life has been like.
Eventually over the past few months I gained the courage to step back from most social media outlets. Mainly, Facebook.. as I came to see that my mind wasn't created to process loads of incoming information on a daily, even hourly basis. Wonderful things such as prayer requests and God moving within peoples lives became too overwhelming for me to handle; especially on the days when I felt alone or the Lord was particularly quiet with me. Rejoicing with those who rejoice is and has always been a weakness and challenge of mine. Facebook exasperated my weaknesses, and therefore I chose to quit so that the God who is strong when I am weak could show me some of his muscle.
Life as a Catholic has had its challenges and it's blessings. I am learning that the transition from a non liturgical Evangelical to an Evangelical, very liturgical Catholic is not made for the faint of heart. It is a daily learning process.. and a daily cross. There was a great exhale as the first official year of our becoming Catholic passed by; we had made it one year. We had seen the Lord work in our lives and I was honestly grateful for the difficult year; perhaps the most difficult in my adult spiritual life. The newness of everything and the unknown of it all threw me into an unexpected lonely depression, while the fight to find reprieve was often answered by a seemingly silent God and a church that felt less like a home and more like a foreign city at any given Mass.
In addition to this depression, we struggled with issues that we found hard to embrace within the Catholic church. There were and are practices that we don't understand, and believe could be reformed so that all Catholics would have a deeper relationship with the Lord. Those thoughts won't be discussed here, but we hope that one day a compassionate and meaningful discussion could take place in order to further the incredible Evangelization movement that is invigorating Catholicism and her people.
Yet, even with the strides made for Evangelization and unity, the general divide between Catholic Christians and non denominational Christians still stings in our daily encounters. In suffering, however, there Jesus is found. And in becoming part of the dialogue between the two, we have gained such a deep love for all Christians no matter their church affiliation or particular belief system. As Christ is the great Unifier, we have found ourselves refreshed by all of our friends who call upon Him as their Savior. And we have learned to accept with overwhelming joy, the heart of Jesus, in all of his children.
The greatest gift we received this year was a word from our priest, calling us "hybrids" and encouraging us to embrace all that we are, have been, and will be still. He has always been incredibly complimentary of the Evangelical non denominational churches that we call home, and has continually reminded us that we do not need to give up our identity, but rather simply grow as followers of Christ in this new place.
Overall, my thoughts from the post one year ago are still the same words that Jesus uses to grant me peace today. He has given me the gift of these two worlds, and it is here in the hovering middle that I have learned to suffer with him and to trust in his great Love. And while sometimes extremely frustrating, I know that there is a purpose in it all. He did not bring me to this place so that I could become unrecognizable, but rather so that the most recognizable things about me could be the things that he uses the most. It takes patience, and it is not healed within a years time. It is a continual process. And as much as I have failed, and as little as I have succeeded in following him through this year, for me it has been a journey worth taking, and one that I will continue to learn from for the rest of my life.
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